The reason why lawyers generally advise against apologies is sound, especially if the situation involves allegations of legal violations. For instance, if an employee suggests that they have been the victim of discrimination by their manager, an apology might seem to suggest that the allegation is true. However, a well-crafted or stated apology will balance avoiding a direct admission of guilt with simultaneously showering care and concern on the offended employee. For instance, in the scenario where the manager has been accused of discriminatory animus, the manager can deny that this was the intention of their action while also acknowledging the feelings of the employee. By using carefully crafted words that express care and concern for the employee's well-being, and by making sure the employee feels heard, the situation can oft-times be diffused without the need for escalation.
During my litigation days I was confronted with a similar situation. An employee was passed over for a promotion and also felt ostracized by the team leader. When the team leader refused to consider the employee's feelings or point-of-view, the employee hired me. As all good lawyers do, I initially sent a strongly worded letter to the employer articulating the legal violations and threatened to sue. I then received a phone call from their attorney asking me what it would take to settle the matter. In consultation with my client, he said all he really wanted was an apology. With that, he would happily drop the matter. Although my initial thought was on the contingent fee agreement we signed and how would I get my 1/3rd fee out of an apology settlement, I followed my client's wishes and presented the proposal. The employer's attorney said she did not think her client would agree to apologizing, and she could not recommend such a resolution, but she would share the proposal. A few days later, she called me and said that she was surprised that her client agreed. They would apologize to my client, and he would drop the case. After receiving a heart-felt apology, I dropped the case and my client still works for the same employer almost twenty years later. While I still have not figured out how to get my 1/3rd fee out of an apology, I was then and continue to be elated that maintaining the dignity of the employee trumped the risk adverse tendencies associated with the fear of an apology becoming an admission of wrongdoing.
Not every situation can be resolved with an apology, but when the parties have meaningful discussions about how to resolve disputes while maintaining the dignity and respect of everyone involved, sometimes we can be pleased and even surprised at how we can find fair, meaningful, and sustaining resolutions to tense and seemingly insurmountable conflicts.
